I have debated about this post.  Should I or shouldn't I?  But no one reads this anyways so why not.  It is mainly just for me to write and think out loud if you will.  I have been thinking a lot about friends lately.  Feeling like I don't really have any.  But let's back up.  What is a friend?  Someone you talk with.  You tell each other what is going on in your lives.  Talk about things.  Help each other grow and laugh and cry.  Have good times with and sad times with.  True friends from far away you can pick up right where you left off.  I do have a couple of those far away friends.  Facebook has been great for keeping in touch.
But I have come to the conclusion that I don't have a close friend here.  I used to but things change.  People change.  Situations change.  The people I used to be close with have children younger than mine.  Some a lot younger.  They are involved in different organizations and things than me.  The one thing we seem to have in common is that we go to the same church but so do a lot of other people.  Do they call me to visit?  No  Do they stop by?  No  Do they invite me over?  No  One does invite me to movies and has invited me out to eat but when you have no money that is rather difficult to do and I will not make someone always pay for me.  Now before you go "Now Sharon, do you call them or stop by or visit"  I will say yes I have and did.  Invite over, no because my house is torn up and a mess but otherwise I would stop by and visit them or message or pull weeds or whatever.  And when one says "Oh did I tell you ...." And I say "No" they seem surprised they didn't but I could count on one hand how many conversations we have had in the last several months.
So this has made me think that maybe I need to look elsewhere for friends, maybe people closer to my age, people with kids all gone and such.  But you know, by then everyone is pretty well established in the friendship group thing.  And being single kinda makes a person odd man out although I am not sad that I am single.  I enjoy it actually.
Anyway, I do have a pretty good friend here but she and I can go a couple weeks without talking and then we will spend all day together watching movies, eating, talking!  It's great!  And we both have a lot of the same health issues so we can complain to each other!!  LOL  And maybe I need to get the depression and stuff under control before I can be good in the friend department.  I don't know.  But I also know it doesn't help the depression either, feeling lonely.  But I always have God!  He never leaves me or forsakes me!  He is always there and will never fail me.  I can count on that!

Well, today I have been a bit nicer (which is good) but have teared up quite a bit.  Can't wait to see Brandy tomorrow and see what she says.  I want to feel better and be better.

The word of the day is...DEPRESSION.  And it is not a good word.  It is a hurtful word.  It is a killing word.  It is a destroying word.  It eats away at you from the inside until it starts spilling over to those around you.  It is an isolating word.  And I have it.

Or it has me.

Because if I had it, I would not act the way I have.  Tonight I was mean to my daughter and made her feel bad.  Because I was feeling bad.  How wrong is that?!?!  She was so excited about her weekend that she had just had and I ruined it.  I apologized and cried as we hugged but once the words are said you can't take back the hearing of them.  

A co-worker has been driving me crazy!  And what do I do.  Act like a ...to put it honestly...a bitch!  Do I talk to her about it?  Do I pray about it? ( a little but not enough).  I let it fester in me until I can't be civil and polite!  Real mature huh?

I also have rheumatoid arthritis.  And everything I have read says that people with RA are twice as likely to get depressed as other people.  GREAT!!!  I had a small battle with it before but now...KA BAM!!  My doc said it is a downward spiraling circle.  You don't feel good, you get depressed, then you don't feel good more and then you get depressed more... and on and on and on!  

With RA you can't do things you used to do and that is depressing in itself.  Sometimes it takes all you have to walk very much, to clean a room in your house, yes just A ROOM, (it takes me all day to clean a room), and gardening... well let's just say it's a good thing my son was here last summer to help me get up and down off the ground cause I couldn't do it on my own.  So many things I can't do anymore that I used to take for granted.  And that is depressing!  And things I wanted to do in the future and probably never will.  That is depressing!  

With depression you tend to isolate yourself because...you are depressed!  Which is one of the worst things you can do.  It just lets the depression fester more in you.  But you can't seem to pull away.  

And then there are the normal everyday things that happen that normally I would handle better but since I am depressed I don't and they just seem worse.  

I could go on and on but I think that just feeds the depression more and I don't want to do that.  I am seeing my doctor Wednesday and see about getting on different medicine. Medicine helps.  A friend wants to get together this week and talk.  Talking helps.  God  loves me and won't let me go.  I cling to Him!  God helps!  I know this is just a season, a season that could take over if I'm not careful (like the winter in Narnia) but I don't want to be here and that, I believe is half the battle.  

And so I will do what I need to to leave this dark place and head towards the light, where I will be the kind me again.