Well, today I have been a bit nicer (which is good) but have teared up quite a bit.  Can't wait to see Brandy tomorrow and see what she says.  I want to feel better and be better.

The word of the day is...DEPRESSION.  And it is not a good word.  It is a hurtful word.  It is a killing word.  It is a destroying word.  It eats away at you from the inside until it starts spilling over to those around you.  It is an isolating word.  And I have it.

Or it has me.

Because if I had it, I would not act the way I have.  Tonight I was mean to my daughter and made her feel bad.  Because I was feeling bad.  How wrong is that?!?!  She was so excited about her weekend that she had just had and I ruined it.  I apologized and cried as we hugged but once the words are said you can't take back the hearing of them.  

A co-worker has been driving me crazy!  And what do I do.  Act like a ...to put it honestly...a bitch!  Do I talk to her about it?  Do I pray about it? ( a little but not enough).  I let it fester in me until I can't be civil and polite!  Real mature huh?

I also have rheumatoid arthritis.  And everything I have read says that people with RA are twice as likely to get depressed as other people.  GREAT!!!  I had a small battle with it before but now...KA BAM!!  My doc said it is a downward spiraling circle.  You don't feel good, you get depressed, then you don't feel good more and then you get depressed more... and on and on and on!  

With RA you can't do things you used to do and that is depressing in itself.  Sometimes it takes all you have to walk very much, to clean a room in your house, yes just A ROOM, (it takes me all day to clean a room), and gardening... well let's just say it's a good thing my son was here last summer to help me get up and down off the ground cause I couldn't do it on my own.  So many things I can't do anymore that I used to take for granted.  And that is depressing!  And things I wanted to do in the future and probably never will.  That is depressing!  

With depression you tend to isolate yourself because...you are depressed!  Which is one of the worst things you can do.  It just lets the depression fester more in you.  But you can't seem to pull away.  

And then there are the normal everyday things that happen that normally I would handle better but since I am depressed I don't and they just seem worse.  

I could go on and on but I think that just feeds the depression more and I don't want to do that.  I am seeing my doctor Wednesday and see about getting on different medicine. Medicine helps.  A friend wants to get together this week and talk.  Talking helps.  God  loves me and won't let me go.  I cling to Him!  God helps!  I know this is just a season, a season that could take over if I'm not careful (like the winter in Narnia) but I don't want to be here and that, I believe is half the battle.  

And so I will do what I need to to leave this dark place and head towards the light, where I will be the kind me again.