Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Monday, April 20, 2015
The word of the day is...DEPRESSION. And it is not a good word. It is a hurtful word. It is a killing word. It is a destroying word. It eats away at you from the inside until it starts spilling over to those around you. It is an isolating word. And I have it.
Or it has me.
Because if I had it, I would not act the way I have. Tonight I was mean to my daughter and made her feel bad. Because I was feeling bad. How wrong is that?!?! She was so excited about her weekend that she had just had and I ruined it. I apologized and cried as we hugged but once the words are said you can't take back the hearing of them.
A co-worker has been driving me crazy! And what do I do. Act like a ...to put it honestly...a bitch! Do I talk to her about it? Do I pray about it? ( a little but not enough). I let it fester in me until I can't be civil and polite! Real mature huh?
I also have rheumatoid arthritis. And everything I have read says that people with RA are twice as likely to get depressed as other people. GREAT!!! I had a small battle with it before but now...KA BAM!! My doc said it is a downward spiraling circle. You don't feel good, you get depressed, then you don't feel good more and then you get depressed more... and on and on and on!
With RA you can't do things you used to do and that is depressing in itself. Sometimes it takes all you have to walk very much, to clean a room in your house, yes just A ROOM, (it takes me all day to clean a room), and gardening... well let's just say it's a good thing my son was here last summer to help me get up and down off the ground cause I couldn't do it on my own. So many things I can't do anymore that I used to take for granted. And that is depressing! And things I wanted to do in the future and probably never will. That is depressing!
With depression you tend to isolate yourself because...you are depressed! Which is one of the worst things you can do. It just lets the depression fester more in you. But you can't seem to pull away.
And then there are the normal everyday things that happen that normally I would handle better but since I am depressed I don't and they just seem worse.
I could go on and on but I think that just feeds the depression more and I don't want to do that. I am seeing my doctor Wednesday and see about getting on different medicine. Medicine helps. A friend wants to get together this week and talk. Talking helps. God loves me and won't let me go. I cling to Him! God helps! I know this is just a season, a season that could take over if I'm not careful (like the winter in Narnia) but I don't want to be here and that, I believe is half the battle.
And so I will do what I need to to leave this dark place and head towards the light, where I will be the kind me again.
Or it has me.
Because if I had it, I would not act the way I have. Tonight I was mean to my daughter and made her feel bad. Because I was feeling bad. How wrong is that?!?! She was so excited about her weekend that she had just had and I ruined it. I apologized and cried as we hugged but once the words are said you can't take back the hearing of them.
A co-worker has been driving me crazy! And what do I do. Act like a ...to put it honestly...a bitch! Do I talk to her about it? Do I pray about it? ( a little but not enough). I let it fester in me until I can't be civil and polite! Real mature huh?
I also have rheumatoid arthritis. And everything I have read says that people with RA are twice as likely to get depressed as other people. GREAT!!! I had a small battle with it before but now...KA BAM!! My doc said it is a downward spiraling circle. You don't feel good, you get depressed, then you don't feel good more and then you get depressed more... and on and on and on!
With RA you can't do things you used to do and that is depressing in itself. Sometimes it takes all you have to walk very much, to clean a room in your house, yes just A ROOM, (it takes me all day to clean a room), and gardening... well let's just say it's a good thing my son was here last summer to help me get up and down off the ground cause I couldn't do it on my own. So many things I can't do anymore that I used to take for granted. And that is depressing! And things I wanted to do in the future and probably never will. That is depressing!
With depression you tend to isolate yourself because...you are depressed! Which is one of the worst things you can do. It just lets the depression fester more in you. But you can't seem to pull away.
And then there are the normal everyday things that happen that normally I would handle better but since I am depressed I don't and they just seem worse.
I could go on and on but I think that just feeds the depression more and I don't want to do that. I am seeing my doctor Wednesday and see about getting on different medicine. Medicine helps. A friend wants to get together this week and talk. Talking helps. God loves me and won't let me go. I cling to Him! God helps! I know this is just a season, a season that could take over if I'm not careful (like the winter in Narnia) but I don't want to be here and that, I believe is half the battle.
And so I will do what I need to to leave this dark place and head towards the light, where I will be the kind me again.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Issues
Whoever said life is easy was either lying or demented! They have discovered I have an autoimmune disease that affects my joints, makes me swell, have pain, get sores and makes me tired. Since then I have found out that I have other family members with things like lupus and connective tissue disorder so it is in the family. They have me on medicine but as I found out this last week, I still have flare ups.
Because of this disease I am no longer able to mow the church yard or work for people like I used to so I have no extra income. I did these things to try to make ends meet so now I don't have that and am thinking I may have to file bankruptcy. I certainly don't want to but don't know what else to do. It is also harder to just do things around the house and yard like I have always enjoyed.
I lost my dad at the beginning of the year and moved my mom this spring. That has been tough.
Things have been stressful at work with some issues going on.
Found out that someone I considered a friend, even though I haven't seen her much lately, had a get together and I wasn't invited though a lot of my friends were. Now that may seem a small thing but when you are already down it just seems worse. And I am trying to have a christian attitude about it, I mean after all, anyone can invite anyone they want anywhere they want, it just reinforces something that I have battled for years, that I am insignificant. I know in Gods eyes I am not but people always let us down. I guess that is why God's love is so amazing. We are not perfect. We have autoimmune diseases, people die, we hurt people's feelings and our feelings get hurt. We sin and are sinned against.
But God, who is perfect, who never sins, who never gets sick or dies, loves us unconditionally. He doesn't hurt our feelings. He may not answer our prayers the way we always want but he always has something better. That is where I have to base my trust and happiness in, not anyone or anything here on earth. And I know He is coming back and I want to be ready and go with Him. So I have to focus on Him and that and not on anything here.
Thank you God and praise You!
Because of this disease I am no longer able to mow the church yard or work for people like I used to so I have no extra income. I did these things to try to make ends meet so now I don't have that and am thinking I may have to file bankruptcy. I certainly don't want to but don't know what else to do. It is also harder to just do things around the house and yard like I have always enjoyed.
I lost my dad at the beginning of the year and moved my mom this spring. That has been tough.
Things have been stressful at work with some issues going on.
Found out that someone I considered a friend, even though I haven't seen her much lately, had a get together and I wasn't invited though a lot of my friends were. Now that may seem a small thing but when you are already down it just seems worse. And I am trying to have a christian attitude about it, I mean after all, anyone can invite anyone they want anywhere they want, it just reinforces something that I have battled for years, that I am insignificant. I know in Gods eyes I am not but people always let us down. I guess that is why God's love is so amazing. We are not perfect. We have autoimmune diseases, people die, we hurt people's feelings and our feelings get hurt. We sin and are sinned against.
But God, who is perfect, who never sins, who never gets sick or dies, loves us unconditionally. He doesn't hurt our feelings. He may not answer our prayers the way we always want but he always has something better. That is where I have to base my trust and happiness in, not anyone or anything here on earth. And I know He is coming back and I want to be ready and go with Him. So I have to focus on Him and that and not on anything here.
Thank you God and praise You!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Well, figured it was about time I updated this. I still have 1 out on her own, 1 in college and 1 with 1 semester left of high school and looking at colleges. I am looking forward, though, to the empty nest. I think God gets us ready for that and boy am I. I am still involved in Awana's, still teaching Sunday School (3, 4 and 5th grades) and all girls this year so that is fun! Still working on my house (don't think it will ever be done), suffering through some health issues that we are still trying to figure out and still on the Worship team at church.
I am already thinking about gardening this coming summer! (Love digging in the dirt!)
I am already thinking about gardening this coming summer! (Love digging in the dirt!)
Saturday, June 16, 2012
IDEAS
Have you ever felt like you should be doing more? Like there is more out there that you want or want to do? Well I have been feeling like that for quite a while. I have thought of applying at Samaritan's Purse for a job. Or going to Africa and helping all the refugees and children. Kids hurting is really one of my "things" that I am against. I could get on my soapbox but I won't (No thanks are necessary!!) LOL Anyway, at our VBS, there were a lot of hurting kids from dysfunctional families. It was sad. Some were really angry, some had behavior issues. Some just wanted love. (Just like all of us) They have really been on my heart. Then a lot of our youth group went to Chicago and worked with kids there. The youth group really loved it! They were sharing and praying with/for the kids, helping them, making things, playing with them. It really impacted them all. Well, why is it that we can go thousands of miles and help people but miss the hurt in our own "backyard" ? Can't we do something here? So this has been on my mind. And then, (God is so sneaky!!) (not really,just GOOD) I was at dinner the other evening with some friends and the conversation came around to this very subject! And we were on the same page about helping hurting ones around us! Gods wants us to help the hurting and the lonely, the widow and the orphan. Now just need prayer about what to do. We were tossing around ideas but this will take time and volunteers. But I know that if this is what God wants to happen it WILL happen!
I can't wait to see what He will do!
Have you ever felt like you should be doing more? Like there is more out there that you want or want to do? Well I have been feeling like that for quite a while. I have thought of applying at Samaritan's Purse for a job. Or going to Africa and helping all the refugees and children. Kids hurting is really one of my "things" that I am against. I could get on my soapbox but I won't (No thanks are necessary!!) LOL Anyway, at our VBS, there were a lot of hurting kids from dysfunctional families. It was sad. Some were really angry, some had behavior issues. Some just wanted love. (Just like all of us) They have really been on my heart. Then a lot of our youth group went to Chicago and worked with kids there. The youth group really loved it! They were sharing and praying with/for the kids, helping them, making things, playing with them. It really impacted them all. Well, why is it that we can go thousands of miles and help people but miss the hurt in our own "backyard" ? Can't we do something here? So this has been on my mind. And then, (God is so sneaky!!) (not really,just GOOD) I was at dinner the other evening with some friends and the conversation came around to this very subject! And we were on the same page about helping hurting ones around us! Gods wants us to help the hurting and the lonely, the widow and the orphan. Now just need prayer about what to do. We were tossing around ideas but this will take time and volunteers. But I know that if this is what God wants to happen it WILL happen!
I can't wait to see what He will do!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Daniel Fasting
Monday I started something which later in the day I thought I was crazy for... the Daniel Fast. It s a fast based on how Daniel in the Book of Daniel ate to show the king how better God's ways are. We have had some missionaries at church whose e-mail list I got on and they had talked about the Daniel Fast in several e-mails. I had heard of it from others too and have had fasting on my heart and mind for quite a while. I got the book, read it, prayed, and decided to go for it. Well, while the mind and spirit were wiling, I'm not too sure about the body! By the end of Monday I figured I was crazy to be doing this! I was so hungry and having to not eat what I was used to eating and having to shop and cook totally different than I was used to. Plus having to cook my food and Matt's food. I thought I couldn't do this! But then I thought of what Jesus did for me... I kept seeing clips from The Passion movie in my head...kept thinking of how He was tortured, beaten, mocked and killed... and me changing my eating habits for 3 weeks seemed like such a small thing. I started thinking that this was the LEAST I could do. I knew that satan didn't want me fasting because it brings you closer to God and you change for the better. I don't want to give satan what he wants, I want what God wants. So I determined to do this. Has it been easy? No! But have I seen God working in my life? YES! And that is what matters! And so I will continue for 21 days to become more like God and less like the world!
Monday, March 21, 2011
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