I have debated about this post.  Should I or shouldn't I?  But no one reads this anyways so why not.  It is mainly just for me to write and think out loud if you will.  I have been thinking a lot about friends lately.  Feeling like I don't really have any.  But let's back up.  What is a friend?  Someone you talk with.  You tell each other what is going on in your lives.  Talk about things.  Help each other grow and laugh and cry.  Have good times with and sad times with.  True friends from far away you can pick up right where you left off.  I do have a couple of those far away friends.  Facebook has been great for keeping in touch.
But I have come to the conclusion that I don't have a close friend here.  I used to but things change.  People change.  Situations change.  The people I used to be close with have children younger than mine.  Some a lot younger.  They are involved in different organizations and things than me.  The one thing we seem to have in common is that we go to the same church but so do a lot of other people.  Do they call me to visit?  No  Do they stop by?  No  Do they invite me over?  No  One does invite me to movies and has invited me out to eat but when you have no money that is rather difficult to do and I will not make someone always pay for me.  Now before you go "Now Sharon, do you call them or stop by or visit"  I will say yes I have and did.  Invite over, no because my house is torn up and a mess but otherwise I would stop by and visit them or message or pull weeds or whatever.  And when one says "Oh did I tell you ...." And I say "No" they seem surprised they didn't but I could count on one hand how many conversations we have had in the last several months.
So this has made me think that maybe I need to look elsewhere for friends, maybe people closer to my age, people with kids all gone and such.  But you know, by then everyone is pretty well established in the friendship group thing.  And being single kinda makes a person odd man out although I am not sad that I am single.  I enjoy it actually.
Anyway, I do have a pretty good friend here but she and I can go a couple weeks without talking and then we will spend all day together watching movies, eating, talking!  It's great!  And we both have a lot of the same health issues so we can complain to each other!!  LOL  And maybe I need to get the depression and stuff under control before I can be good in the friend department.  I don't know.  But I also know it doesn't help the depression either, feeling lonely.  But I always have God!  He never leaves me or forsakes me!  He is always there and will never fail me.  I can count on that!

Well, today I have been a bit nicer (which is good) but have teared up quite a bit.  Can't wait to see Brandy tomorrow and see what she says.  I want to feel better and be better.

The word of the day is...DEPRESSION.  And it is not a good word.  It is a hurtful word.  It is a killing word.  It is a destroying word.  It eats away at you from the inside until it starts spilling over to those around you.  It is an isolating word.  And I have it.

Or it has me.

Because if I had it, I would not act the way I have.  Tonight I was mean to my daughter and made her feel bad.  Because I was feeling bad.  How wrong is that?!?!  She was so excited about her weekend that she had just had and I ruined it.  I apologized and cried as we hugged but once the words are said you can't take back the hearing of them.  

A co-worker has been driving me crazy!  And what do I do.  Act like a ...to put it honestly...a bitch!  Do I talk to her about it?  Do I pray about it? ( a little but not enough).  I let it fester in me until I can't be civil and polite!  Real mature huh?

I also have rheumatoid arthritis.  And everything I have read says that people with RA are twice as likely to get depressed as other people.  GREAT!!!  I had a small battle with it before but now...KA BAM!!  My doc said it is a downward spiraling circle.  You don't feel good, you get depressed, then you don't feel good more and then you get depressed more... and on and on and on!  

With RA you can't do things you used to do and that is depressing in itself.  Sometimes it takes all you have to walk very much, to clean a room in your house, yes just A ROOM, (it takes me all day to clean a room), and gardening... well let's just say it's a good thing my son was here last summer to help me get up and down off the ground cause I couldn't do it on my own.  So many things I can't do anymore that I used to take for granted.  And that is depressing!  And things I wanted to do in the future and probably never will.  That is depressing!  

With depression you tend to isolate yourself because...you are depressed!  Which is one of the worst things you can do.  It just lets the depression fester more in you.  But you can't seem to pull away.  

And then there are the normal everyday things that happen that normally I would handle better but since I am depressed I don't and they just seem worse.  

I could go on and on but I think that just feeds the depression more and I don't want to do that.  I am seeing my doctor Wednesday and see about getting on different medicine. Medicine helps.  A friend wants to get together this week and talk.  Talking helps.  God  loves me and won't let me go.  I cling to Him!  God helps!  I know this is just a season, a season that could take over if I'm not careful (like the winter in Narnia) but I don't want to be here and that, I believe is half the battle.  

And so I will do what I need to to leave this dark place and head towards the light, where I will be the kind me again.

Issues

Whoever said life is easy was either lying or demented!  They have discovered I have an autoimmune disease that affects my joints, makes me swell, have pain, get sores and makes me tired.  Since then I have found out that I have other family members with things like lupus and connective tissue disorder so it is in the family.  They have me on medicine but as I found out this last week, I still have flare ups.

Because of this disease I am no longer able to mow the church yard or work for people like I used to so I have no extra income.  I did these things to try to make ends meet so now I don't have that and am thinking I may have to file bankruptcy.  I certainly don't want to but don't know what else to do.  It is also harder to just do things around the house and yard like I have always enjoyed.

I lost my dad at the beginning of the year and moved my mom this spring.  That has been tough.

Things have been stressful at work with some issues going on.

Found out that someone I considered a friend, even though I haven't seen her much lately, had a get together and I wasn't invited though a lot of my friends were.  Now that  may seem a small thing but when you are already down it just seems worse.  And I am trying to have a christian attitude about it, I mean after all, anyone can invite anyone they want anywhere they want, it just reinforces something that I have battled for years, that I am insignificant.  I know in Gods eyes I am not but people always let us down.  I guess that is why God's love is so amazing.  We are not perfect.  We have autoimmune diseases, people die, we hurt people's feelings and our feelings get hurt.  We sin and are sinned against.  

But God, who is perfect, who never sins, who never gets sick or dies, loves us unconditionally.  He doesn't hurt our feelings.  He may not answer our prayers the way we always want but he always has something better.  That is where I have to base my trust and happiness in, not anyone or anything here on earth.  And I know He is coming back and I want to be ready and go with Him.  So I have to focus on Him and that and not on anything here. 
Thank you God and praise You!

Well, figured it was about time I updated this.  I still have 1 out on her own, 1 in college and 1 with 1 semester left of high school and looking at colleges.  I am looking forward, though, to the empty nest.  I think God gets us ready for that and boy am I.  I am still involved in Awana's, still teaching Sunday School (3, 4 and 5th grades) and all girls this year so that is fun!  Still working on my house (don't think it will ever be done), suffering through some health issues that we are still trying to figure out and still on the Worship team at church.
I am already thinking about gardening this coming summer! (Love digging in the dirt!)

IDEAS
Have you ever felt like you should be doing more?  Like there is more out there that you want or want to do?  Well I have been feeling like that for quite a while.  I have thought of applying at Samaritan's Purse for a job.   Or going to Africa and helping all the refugees and children.  Kids hurting is really one of my "things" that I am against.  I could get on my soapbox but I won't (No thanks are necessary!!) LOL Anyway, at our VBS, there were a lot of hurting kids from dysfunctional families.  It was sad.  Some were really angry, some had behavior issues.  Some just wanted love. (Just like all of us)  They have really been on my heart.  Then a lot of our youth group went to Chicago and worked with kids there.  The youth group really loved it!  They were sharing and praying with/for the kids, helping them, making things, playing with them.  It really impacted them all.  Well, why is it that we can go thousands of miles and help people but miss the hurt in our own "backyard" ?  Can't we do something here?  So this has been on my mind.  And then, (God is so sneaky!!) (not really,just GOOD) I was at dinner the other evening with some friends and the conversation came around to this very subject!  And we were on the same page about helping hurting ones around us!  Gods wants us to help the hurting and the lonely, the widow and the orphan.  Now just need prayer about what to do.  We were tossing around ideas but this will take time and volunteers.  But I know that if this is what God wants to happen it WILL happen!
I can't wait to see what He will do!

Daniel Fasting

Monday I started something which later in the day I thought I was crazy for... the Daniel Fast. It s a fast based on how Daniel in the Book of Daniel ate to show the king how better God's ways are. We have had some missionaries at church whose e-mail list I got on and they had talked about the Daniel Fast in several e-mails. I had heard of it from others too and have had fasting on my heart and mind for quite a while. I got the book, read it, prayed, and decided to go for it. Well, while the mind and spirit were wiling, I'm not too sure about the body! By the end of Monday I figured I was crazy to be doing this! I was so hungry and having to not eat what I was used to eating and having to shop and cook totally different than I was used to. Plus having to cook my food and Matt's food. I thought I couldn't do this! But then I thought of what Jesus did for me... I kept seeing clips from The Passion movie in my head...kept thinking of how He was tortured, beaten, mocked and killed... and me changing my eating habits for 3 weeks seemed like such a small thing. I started thinking that this was the LEAST I could do. I knew that satan didn't want me fasting because it brings you closer to God and you change for the better. I don't want to give satan what he wants, I want what God wants. So I determined to do this. Has it been easy? No! But have I seen God working in my life? YES! And that is what matters! And so I will continue for 21 days to become more like God and less like the world!

Jordan's Birthday

Birthday Flowers

These are beautiful flowers my daughter got for me for my birthday!

Faith

So things have been a little stressful at work lately. A lot of changes and different personalities handling it differently and presenting to each other differently. Has made for some stressful days. I had a co-worker say to me the other day that she really appreciates my attitude and how she figures my faith has a lot to do with it. She is a believer too but she worries and frets and stresses, etc. She said she wished she had my faith. She wishes she could just leave it in God's hands and let Him control and not worry and stress over things. I told her that I have seen God work so many times in so many ways in my life, it's not hard for me to trust Him. But that's not to say that I don't struggle in other ways. I told her that we all have strengths and weaknesses and He is always working on us to improve us, to be more like Him.

I do give things over to Him and trust Him to take care of things, but that doesn't mean that things don't get to me. Having 2 boys going to doctor's quite a bit the last couple of months, struggling to figure out what is going on. Finding out one of the son's problems, him having a procedure and then finding out that it will be a 2-3 year process before he is well and he hasn't been able to go to college yet...the other son we are still searching for answers and in the meantime he can't go to school. Having traveled to Lincoln several times, North Platte, McCook, Aurora CO, for doctor appts. Having a tire blow out and having to buy a new one. Of course there are always money problems. I haven't had time to visit friends. The other day I just wanted to cry. I felt overwhelmed.

But I have a job helping some people and I enjoy that. I have kids home who do dishes and bake and laundry sometimes. I have Awana's where the kids always make me smile and laugh and feel wonderful! I have a great church family and pastor. I don't have a foundation problem with my house. And hey, even if I haven't had time to see my friends, I know they are there. The good always outweighs the bad. And even if they don't seem to, it WILL change.

I have faith in God because He ALWAYS gets me through. He ALWAYS provides. He has protected me in Mighty ways from abuse, snakes, hunger, loneliness, etc. I can look to the future because of what He has done in my past. And because of His promises in His Word. And the wonderful thing is He gave those promises to all of us, each and every one. WOW! What a God to have faith in!!

Conversation last night!

I don't have any pictures of this AMAZING conversation last nigh but hopefully you will get the picture.

I was outside working in the yard last night picking up bricks from a pile and stacking them nicely. (It has needed done for QUITE a while now!)I reached down and picked one up and underneath it, curled up, was a snake. Being the good mom that I am, I ran in the house and hollered for the boys to get shoes on and come outside. Jenn came out of her room asking what was going on. I told her to get back in her room and told the boys to hurry up and to grab a shovel. She said "There's a snake out there isn't there?" I said "Just stay in your room." She is TERRIBLY afraid of snakes, won't even watch them on TV. Of course she started getting upset because this was out by where she parks her car!!

Matt grabs a shovel, Pete is getting his shoes on and we head to the brick pile. The following is the conversation:

Pete: "Don't kill it!! I'll just move it!"
Matt: "Whatever"
Me: "There it is!"
Matt: "We can't get the shovel in there, we'll have to move some bricks"
Pete: "OHHH it's just a little things, I can pick it up!"
Matt: "It will bite you!"
Pete: "I'll grab it's tail, it's right there"
Snake moves.
Pete, Matt and me: Hurry! It's getting away! get it!It's going in the bricks!
It goes and goes!
Pete:"It's bigger than I thought!"
Stab! Jab! too may bricks to get it.
Jen: "Did you kill it?"
Matt: "Not yet"
Jenn: "I am trading one of you parking places!"
All: Where is it? Where did it go?
Pete and Matt think it went this way. Matt is on the brick pile.
Pete: "Matt start moving bricks!"
Matt starts throwing bricks saying "If that thing comes at me I'm killing it!"
Pete: "No! It's just a bull snake, not very old. I'll move it. They eat mice and will keep rattlesnakes away."
Matt: "I don't care, if it tries to bite me I'm killing it"
Jenn: "Kill it! Kill it!"
Jenn is standing on the basketball hoop base.
Can't find it. "Did it get away?" Keep Looking!
"There it is" Don't kill it" Kill it" Matt jabs it's head with the rounded shovel but can't keep it still.
"Somebody go grab the flat shovel"
I go running to get it and my flip flop flies off so I am running hopping to the shed but need to hurry before it gets away again. In the background Jenn is yelling to kill it.
I grab the shovel and run/hop back and hand it to Peter. The snake is mad and hissing. The shovel round shovel slips off it's neck but Matt gets it again. They try to cut it's head with the other shovel but there are still bricks in the way.They use the shovel to move some bricks. Snake is VERY mad and wiggling and coiling and all the stuff mad snakes do!
They get a little more room and have it against a brick. They try the straight shovel again but it obviously isn't sharp because the snake is still alive. It is trying to get away from Matt with the rounded shovel and he is holding it.
Matt:"Pete do you have a knife on you?"
Pete: "No don't you?"
Matt: "No!"
But, goodness, they are standing on a pile of bricks so Peter grabs one and throws it at it's head which made it REALLY happy I'm sure!
They finally just start jabbing at it with the straight shovel while holding it with the rounded one.Jenn is still in the background yelling "kill it! Is it dead yet? Kill it!"
The snake is bleeding and slow. They pick it up with the shovel.
Pete: "Wow that was a lot bigger than I thought!"
The took it to the alley and tried to cut it's head off there. Needless to say none of my shovels are sharp so this took quite some time. In the meantime, Devon showed up because he and Pete are going to the movie. He just watches, though.
Jenn : "can I jab it"
Both boys "NO!"
They finally got the head off.
Matt took it and threw it over by the railroad tracks.
Pete picked up the body. It was about 2 1/2 to 3 ft long. He threw the body over by the tracks.
Jenn: "Did you throw it on the tracks? Then a train can really smash it!"
Matt:" Here's the shovel, I'm going inside."
Pete: "I've got to wash the snake blood off my legs before I can go to McCook."
Me: "Thanks boys"
Just another conversation at the Holmes'!

Ross sisters - Solid Potato Salad (VHS quality)

You have got to watch this. It's amazing!!

Great Aunt's 89th Birthday Party

The cake!


The birthday girl!


Uncle Phil and Aunt Sandy


Dick taking a picture


Carlene and Jenn


Ruby, a friend, Aunt Phyllis, Uncle Bill and Aunt Betty


Matt and my mom sewing!

It was a surprise party and she WAS surprised! It's always nice when family gets together and it's not for a funeral!

Company?!?!

Peter and Katelyn are comparing battle scars after just having a theraband war!
Jamie and Katelyn came over after church Sunday and they "played".

First Blooms!

My first daffodil! And my first Grape Hyacinths! Spring is really here!!

Prom at HC 2010

Matt and Emily Don't they look Great?!!?





Nik Katelyn Jaime Peter Just gorgeous!!!